不想一路走來珍惜的回憶沒有你

20070717

suddenly, i feel like air. cliche, just like air is there, you need it, but you will never feel it. u have taken it for granted.. hahas.
sudden realization today that.. when ppl need me, most of the time, i am there. however, when i need ppl, most of the time, they are NOT there. i am always alone, solving my problems myself.
to other ppl, i do look quite strong (in the heart), cheery, optimistic and what so ever. somehow, to me that seems to be a false front i have been putting up. sometimes i also need ppl to support me, to help me n to cheer me up, but as i have said ppl wont be there. hahas, me and my pathetic life.
almost cried today hahas when the sudden feeling of ALONE got into me. but again, i forced myself not to think about it, its only for a moment. it failed, cos the more i force myself not to think about it, the more it gets into me. hahas, life is an irony like it always have been. crying dun solve any problems jus like suiciding. its just a way of venting n let ur brain be free of certain thoughts..
CCA has been killing my life. haha why did i run for zuzhang? i even have the thought tt if i want to QUIT zuzhang.. but i will hate the name of “irresponsible". its not that i dun like to do xc stuff, but i HATE overloading and the feeling of "i'm in this ALL ALONE" which is to a certain extent true.
SOME ppl also have been fucking irritating, irritating the shit out of me. some bastard ate a hot dog, n dropped it on my bag, and the worst is he doesn't even have the MORAL to clean it up at least a little bit. n now wonderful, my new white bag has a faint chilli stain.. dun think i dunno who u are, apparently I KNOW. bloody fucking toad.
if someday i changed into someone tt i dun even recognize myself, im sorry but please blame the people around me. they forced me into it... i have no wish to return what i was before a very long time ago... everyone needs a certain day to jus complain and grumble about life, looks like today is my day. and after today i will return to the "normal" self. i m falling into the whirlpool but i still cant find my buoy..
currently, i think my only battery is him. hahas yeah i know he can be considered as virtual, cos maybe in my whole life i wont see him in real. but maybe precisely cos he is "not real", he will never make me sad. （：