不想一路走來珍惜的回憶沒有你

20100929

現在生病的感覺好像那時在黃城拼搏的時候⋯⋯
可是那個時候的自己很傻，因為明明病到很辛苦，卻沒有辦法放下在黃城的責任
慶幸的是，現在的我沒有甚麼責任，所以可以好好休息
現在回想起來，以前的我真的好傻⋯⋯
為了那該死的責任，就死活都要去學校，哈哈
不知道那時有人心疼我嗎？就算只有一兩個，也會覺得很溫暖喔⋯⋯
也是為了那該死的責任，帶著矛盾的心情過了半年吧⋯⋯
那種徘徊在兩種極端心情邊緣的感覺，至今還是會讓人心寒呢⋯⋯

其實，那時的我最想做的事情是放下或是很瀟灑的宣布：”老娘不幹了“
我很想知道自己到底有多重要，可是我卻沒有這麼做。
只因那該死的責任⋯⋯

坦白講，我也不知道自己為何突然有那麼多的感觸，只是突然想到，覺得自己應該好好發泄一下
希望自己真的可以從陰影走出來，不想再被過去纏住了⋯⋯
我只想記得美好的回憶，卻找不到辦法將那些不好的遺忘掉，好矛盾⋯⋯

那天和huiping, tianzhu, chenee 分享彼此之間所喜歡過的人以及待人之道⋯⋯
她們說我喜歡的人一定很完美，因為我是完美主義者，可是現實和理想永遠都是不一樣的啊～
我才發現自己喜歡過的人，到頭來，都和自己想像的不同⋯⋯ 哈哈⋯⋯
而談過戀愛的 tianzhu, chenee 似乎對愛情抱有一個很消極的態度
她們好像一夜間變成熟女，大談自己的經驗⋯⋯
可憐的chenee，我們都知道她初戀的創傷很重，加油加油！
沒有那個爛人不要緊，你還有我們！
然後我們又討論到cassandra，我跟她們說，現在這樣的場面，是無法避免的
從去年的project後，我就知道和她不可能會回到從前了
如果一個人讓我哭過，不論是氣哭或其他，我都不可能再和那個人當很好的朋友
嚴重的話，就會像這樣，形同陌路。
眼淚應該是在流出來之後，幫我形成了一個很密的保護層吧，不會讓傷害過我的人再靠近
也許是因為怕信任多一次然後再失望多一次⋯⋯
tianzhu 說我很奇怪，因為生氣的時候，還是只用眼淚來發泄⋯⋯
她很了解我，因為當我以為每個人都覺得我在生氣時，只有她看得到我的眼淚⋯⋯
很奇妙，因為認識我幾個月的她，竟然看得到認識我幾年的人看不出來的東西
所以我也在想，也許我真的沒有生氣，只是太過失望了⋯⋯
但我不會表達，就讓大家覺得我在生氣好了，無所謂

時間不早了！病人要去睡覺了！

獨自漫步在無人的街，影子被路燈拉得好長好長
也將一個人的孤獨寂寞放得好大好大⋯⋯

20100924

im feeling so sick and tired

because everyone is waiting for something to happen,
but is not willing to be the one to make it happen...

this is so true, but it seems abit late for me to realise it only now..

20100915

2 months since i last blogged. record breaking again. lol.
work has ended! so happy i got out of that place. dont have good impression of the working systems there as well as all the stupid targets they have to hit. sales will never be a thing for me, i guess. yupps, so we wrote a card for romeo to thank him for all he have done for us this two months. then yifang, celina and me bought a separate thing for him, cos he was especially nice to the 3 of us. hahahaha. on the last day of work, the 3 of us met bryan for dinner, celina and me being the matchmakers, so we just sit there quiet quiet and let the main leads talk wahahaha. but well, our matchmaking succeeded! LOL. during the dinner, bryan told us something damn shocking about romeo too, he said romeo was divorced and had children! but he actually lost the custody of his children. then the 3 of us were totally stunned to the max. and from then on, our impression of him took a 180 degrees twist. yifang was totally scared of romeo. LOL.

then before school reopens, tried to meet up with many many people cos scared no time during the semester itself. sad. haha, which is quite true.

and the best thing that happened before school starts was that i managed to change my timetable! if not i will be stuck with someone i dislike, yucks. i rather be ALONE, not knowing anyone at all, than to be with people whom i dislike or "you-know-me, i-know-you" kind. yeps, so lucky i have jean and apple with me now. if not my current semester would be in a more pathetic state than it is now. ><

and the best thing that happened after school reopens would be to go HONGKONG! yongxin and i are the crazy people who will actually plan overseas trip during school term. lol. although the whole company of 7ppl (including myself), i only know yongxin, but i still had fun! cos yongxin's cousins are a fun bunch of people! envy her for getting such nice cousins.. my cousins are totally whatever. lalala, but hongkong was v good for shopping during the sale season. its 50% everywhere, as compared to the stingy 5-10% in singapore. ><

i turned 20 already! birthdays apparently are getting less exciting, but still something to look forward to every year. not for the presents, but for the excuse/reason to meet up with friends. and of course to feel loved. hahahaha! was super busy during that whole week cos so many people asking me out. yippee, not me asking people out. i feel damn unmotivated to organize outings etc already, cos im super sick of the feeling of being pangseh. anyway, i feel very sian cos i received presents that i confirm wont use one. and i thought people who know me should know that, but apparently they dont. so i just felt that they were very 敷衍. in this case, i actually prefer they just dont buy me anything, than to let me think they totally dont know me at all. but anyway, i gave them to tianzhu who will utilize them very well for me! heehee. better than leave them in the house to collect dust. ^^

yupps, so now is one month plus since school reopens. so far, i have been feeling quite stupid with almost all my modules. i dunno where my brain went. i probably left it in HK. sighs. and the thought of stupidity really hit me quite hard when i got pawned by the finance quiz. just felt damn irritated that i didnt know how to do it at that point of time. cos after that, i went to think about the questions and realize i should know how to do! *pissed* with myself. somehow, i think that setting the 4.0 cap for myself is very stressful for me now. it kinda created too much expectations from me on myself. but if dun have 4.0, then no second upper. >< and this is like the first time im actually feeling stressed in ?? years, even more than A levels, cos its like the LAST lap of study. and damn it, i hate that feeling. its so not myself. now im feeling that im studying like a machine more like a human. forcing myself to be disciplined etc. sighs. i need to make myself love the modules this semester more. BUT TAXATION IS SERIOUSLY TOO DRY!! argh. shall see how it goes.. hopefully my brain (or heart) will come back soon from dunno where. I NEED MORE MOTIVATION!!!

im also a bit regretful that i went to run for NVAC treasurer. didnt really regret that much one until i saw the current president. sighs. he just gives me the feeling that he is not v zai. and his instructions not very clear. i very gek that he actually forgot to confirm with me that there was a meeting on monday until that very day itself. and i knew about it, not because of his confirmation, but cos i met the ex vice-president who told me about it. sighs. shall see how. i cannot work under presidents who are not zai. if not i will just become quite rebellious. shit. shall not judge him so soon. see how when the workload comes in.....

in conclusion, school has not been good so far.... >< there is not even one module that i am confident of.... im so dead.. cap 4.0 how.......