不想一路走來珍惜的回憶沒有你

20100528

是我變得太過獨立了嗎？
我好像忘了依賴人的感覺是甚麼了⋯⋯
忘了從甚麼時候開始，
我突然討厭那種很多事情都可以自己解決的感覺
因為不喜歡麻煩別人，不喜歡欠人家東西
怕自己沒有辦法報答
然後，就真的像小說里寫的那些小孩子
越獨立自主的，就越不會被關心
想表現好，得到大人的一些讚賞
到最後還是一場空
漸漸地就會變成一個很冷的人耶⋯⋯
說不定以後我真的會變成那樣⋯⋯
因為我常常有一種不被在乎的感覺

我不敢相信人⋯⋯
很多膚淺的東西，我很願意分享
但那些內心的感觸，我不知道可以告訴誰
因為我是一個很缺乏安全感的人
也是一個很膽小的人吧

好多事情看起來都太虛幻了
似乎隨時都會消失
我真的很怕那種消失後的失落感，
好空虛，好空虛⋯⋯
所以啊，我真的是一個很矛盾的人
很想抓住，卻沒有勇氣這麼做

holidays have started like since damn long time ago but well. hahaha i am busy playing warcraft lan lol. have finally found a good job with the recommendation by szeying ^^ introduced huiqing and tianzhu too! yupps and yifang is joining me as the next batch hahaha! so cool so cool. lol i brought so many ppl in. lol but they are not going to give me any referral fees. sad. anyway work has been quite fun despite me dozing off like everyday. but the trainers are really very very nice! they are humorous and really very friendly!! =D yupps and today is the 4th day of work and i managed to sell 3 credit cards on my first call! i felt super super lucky!! but like at the same time i felt quite disillusioned also hahaha! like seems to good to be real. well, shall see how when i go back to the office on tuesday! so exciting!! hahahah!
anyway today after work, i went out with huiqing, yongxin and sophia. grace went also but she was with her friends so like not really considered also haha yupps. it was a 38 conference lol. oo and my desk number is 38! i like i like!! ^^
talked quite a bit. bitched about school people as usual. but mostly alumni group one la. like cassandra and boontong and a bit about cheryl. sighhs. in conclusion, i think maybe i really misjudged cheryl but still i dun think her frequency and mine will ever be the same. so yupps. i will just try to be not that prejudiced against her. lol.
yeah, so we were on the topic about work, friends, and boyfriends. lol. we were like thinking how come the 4 of us dun have boyfriends at all! hahahah! quite lame but yah.. conclusion is: (forever the same) he just havent appear yet. zzz.
anyway moving to the topic about friends.. i kinda recalled alot of stuff.. haha. personally, i feel that i treat my friends rather good.. and if friends are good to me, i will try to be better to them to repay their good to me.. about cassandra, i think the reason i was so disappointed with her as a friend was i really treated her as my good friend that time. until i realised that she totally dont appreciate me as a friend at all. cos her heart and mind and whatever were 100% tied to her boyfriend. and she challenged my limits too many times.. so yah. i dont see the point of being nice to her anymore or even tolerating her childishness and nonsense. we have totally different principles of life so i dun think we can be on good terms anymore. unless being hypocrite is my hobby. ><
towards work or anything, responsibility is my priority.. if i decided to do something, i will do my best. and the only exception of this year was marketing.. because my group mates gave me the feeling that they dont care. then why should i care so much? i was feeling so tired and sick of the whole project at that time. partly because i really hated the presence of boontong in my group. he is totally unfit to be a man. because he doesnt have the pride that a guy should have regarding work or anything else.. LOSER is the name that huiqing and i gave him on the way home. i can be very crappy during lunch or outings or whatever, but i really expect work to be done when it comes to work. not that i must see quality, 100% perfect work, but i want to see the efforts put in, especially when it comes to group work. then like that even if the project is wrong, or anything, at least i know that we have all tried our best. and if the project is good, all of us deserve that mark EQUALLY.
im really sick of tanking, unfairness and all that stuff. i dun understand why some people can just live off without feeling guilty to YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR GOOD FRIENDS, for making them do all the work for you or even if they aren't friends, they should do their parts too!
i seriously hate unfairness.. really really. and i believe in mutuality. and this applies to both work and friendships or any other relationships la. in school im kinda sick of being the ”大姐大“ the person who is supposed to know everything for some reason that i dunno why. i hope i can become more ignorant then i can wait for people to tell me answers too! but i kinda know that wont happen, cos i dont like to ask people for help. sighhs. i just hope that someone will be there to support me when im feeling mentally tired.. this semester, looking back, i really 撑 until very irritated and tired.. lucky i have good friends. and for that im truly happy and contented..